


Maybe There Are No Good Guys

by FluentSarcasmGal (orphan_account)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Desperation, Duty, Fear, Loneliness, Multi, Pain, Self-Hatred, Trust Issues, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-06-09 11:05:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6903310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/FluentSarcasmGal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa haven't betrayed Clarke. However, Mount Weather was irradiated leaving all the inhabitants dead and Clarke's mind clouded by nightmares. Trikru warriors died, Skaikru soldiers died and there's no justification. They all have to deal with what they've done.</p><p>I suck at summaries so please, just give it a try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What If The One That Got Away Came Back?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!  
> So this is my first fanfic for The 100. English is NOT my first language a.k.a. be nice, pretty pretty please.  
> Any constructive criticism is welcome.

Clarke woke up desperately gasping for air which seemed to be taken from her lungs by one of the never ending nightmares. She could feel walls of the room closing in on her. Quickly getting up Clarke putted on her jacket and ran out of the Ark.

The moment fresh air filled her soaring lungs she could feel hot tears running down her cheeks. After minutes of simple standing in the middle of camp and silently crying Clarke forced her feet to move. She was headed for one of the empty places of Arkadia where there was just a small fire set by one of the guards.

Every step seemed like a battle with her own mind which was begging Clarke to just run. Run away. Away from all those people she saved but for which she had to sacrifice hundreds of others.

Finally collapsing on a small log by the fire she was headed for, Clarke lets out a heavy breath and suppresses her own tears.

_Dead are gone, Clarke. The living are hungry._

It's bitter but she can hear Lexa's voice as the words appear on her mind. Clarke actually haven’t seen Commander since events at Mount Weather. It must have been more than a month ago. She can’t say she misses her, although there’s a little part of Clarke’s soul that tells her otherwise. A small part that misses all those days spent by careful planning, meaningless quarrels, philosophical debates about leadership and death and all those moments when Lexa seemed to understand every part of Clarke’s personality. Back then it seemed almost comforting, now it terrifies her.

She haven’t thought of Lexa for some time, the memories always brought back faces of people who died at Mount Weather. Mostly because the person standing by her side when she pulled the lever and decided to irradiate all complex was Lexa. Clarke could still feel Lexa’s fingers brush over her knuckles when they pulled it together.

Starring at the orange flames she tried to forget all the pictures in front of her eyes.

Piercing green eyes. Dark armor. Black war paint.

Swallowed by the flames.

Dante. Little kids. Innocence.

Swallowed by the flames.

Maya. Jasper’s eyes.

Swallowed by the flames.

Finn.

Swallowed…

_I’m in love with you, Clarke._

Swallowed by…

_I’m sorry._

Swallowed by the…

_You’re okay. You’re fine._

Swallowed by the flames.

**////////**

Abby Griffin was having her usual breakfast in the mess hall. Marcus seated by her side led a conversation with one of the guards – Miller.

It’d been almost a month since she last saw her daughter have breakfast or any food at all in the mess hall. Clarke avoided almost everyone, including her own mother and it made Abby feel very uneasy. Her daughter even stopped sleeping in her room, after two or three hours of sleep she sneaked out of the Ark and spent the rest of the night by one of the guard fires. The first this happened the doctor was truly afraid of what might’ve happened to Clarke but after a report from the watchman who saw her by the fire she calmed down.

The only people that had any kind of contact with Clarke were Raven, Lincoln and Octavia. Time after time she came to the engineering room to just sit and watch Raven dig through some old device while she made small sketches with her charcoal and paper. Other days Clarke disappeared for hours to spend time with Octavia and Lincoln who devoted all their time to careful practice of their fighting skills.

On that morning a report of Grounders’ unit came in. Small group consisting of six riders which none knew about. After the events at Mount Weather the truce between Skaikru and Trikru was something not worth discussing. Skypeople saved Grounders which earned them Commander’s gratitude. Nobody had to be worried about scouting the forest around Camp Jaha anymore, although this visit was unexpected and caused quite a fuss among the people of Ark.

Abby accompanied by Kane got up from the table and headed out of the Ark to greet the visitors.

“Shouldn’t Clarke be with us?” asked Kane on their way to the gate.

Abby sent him a sad smile.

“We can find her after we figure out what’s happening.”

Marcus just nodded. He didn’t feel like arguing with the older Griffin. Abby had been feeling really uneasy in the last few days, maybe even annoyed and the situation with Clarke wasn’t helping. However whenever the Grounders came up he had to ask about Clarke, after all she was the one who made the truce possible.

The moment they reached the gate Kane noticed Commander dismounting her horse. Something was wrong.

**////////**

Clarke fell asleep with head in her hands while watching the small fire. Even though she was sitting on a log her slumber was deep and rid of any nightmares.

She woke up when loud voices started echoing around her and thumps of heavy boots shook the soil under her legs. Practically shooting up from her calm sitting position Clarke immediately reached for the knife by her side. The primal instinct which affected most of her behavior recently was telling her to either run or fight. She took in her surroundings and noticed two Grounders setting up a big tent. They were already almost done with their work.

_Something’s happening. This isn’t right._

Suddenly she heard a familiar voice. Cold, sharp but undeniably calming.

“Thank you, Marcus, I appreciate you let us stay here. The state of Tondc doesn’t really allow us to spend the night there.”

“No need to thank us, Commander. We’re glad to help,” Kane answered.

Turning in the direction from which the voices came, Clarke noticed lean figure clad in armor.

“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice sounded raspy and needy in a weird way.

The figure turned around and she could finally see her face. Dark war paint smeared around piercing green eyes, lips pressed into a thin line, brown hair in braids. Lexa seemed more tired than she ever saw her and Clarke was sure the war paint covered huge dark circles under Commander’s eyes.

Before she could take a step further, Lexa stood in front of her with hand taut for a typical Grounder greeting. Squeezing the other woman’s forearm, Clarke felt herself being pulled into Commander’s chest for a hug.

She didn’t withdrew, the feeling of Lexa’s other hand sneaking around her back and waist was the most comforting thing she experienced since the events at Mount Weather.

Their small moment didn’t last long when they parted. Marcus was still standing there and watching the two young women carefully.

“Clarke? You got this?” he asked.

After long months he received slight smile from the blonde.

“Yeah, thanks, Kane. I’ll see you later,”

Returning a small smile he turned on his heel and disappeared inside the Ark.

It felt a bit weird but for Marcus, he thought of Clarke almost as of his own daughter. Even on the Ark he spent a lot of time watching her grow up. First, from the smallest baby girl he’s ever seen, to an artistic teenager who loved to play chess. Second, from desperate young woman who lost her father, to a stubborn prisoner in one of his cells. Third, the jump from stubborn prisoner to young leader with different outlook on the Ground. Now all he wanted was to watch her grow up even more. He longed to see Clarke Griffin beat the demons haunting her since the night at Mount Weather and witness her growth into the amazing woman and leader he believed Clarke could become.  

But he had to admit that maybe, just maybe, the demons will never be defeated.


	2. Love Is Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An outlook on what happened inside Mount Weather. Lexa POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone!   
> So this chapter is really centred on Lexa and the way she feels about everything that happened inside Mount Weather (please don’t hate me for not moving on with the story, I felt like I really needed to write this).  
> I swear the next chapter’s going to involve Clarke and the others :)   
> Anyway, if someone would be willing to do a little beta-reading for me I’d be really grateful for any help. None of my friends wants to read this since it’s not written in our language :D

Events at the Mountain have shaken both of their people, Lexa knew that damn well.

When one of the mountain men came to her with an offer which included betrayal of Clarke, she spent more than an hour sitting in her tent and weighing all pros and cons of the presented deal. For a moment she almost accepted but something stopped her. Maybe it was the memory of ocean-blue eyes burning with determination, maybe it was the feeling of firm hand on her side and touch of soft lips against her own which was still lingering on Lexa's skin. Desperately trying to avoid those thoughts the Commander convinced herself she won't betray Clarke because her honour is at stake.

_Commander keeps her word._

_Commander doesn't run from a fight._

Lexa quickly made her way out of the tent. Night air was cold and filled with scent of fresh war paint, blood and cooked meat. Man from the Mountain was being held by two of her warriors and when she exited her tent he looked at Lexa expectantly.

Before she even realized it, her hand was gripping the sword, which was just mere seconds ago hanging loosely by her hip, and pushed it against centre of the man's chest with deadly force. Lexa watched as the glint of light slowly disappeared from man's eyes.

"Our deal with _Skaikru_ holds!" Commander shouted.

Everyone suddenly fell into silence, eyes of all the warriors staring at their Commander.

**/////////**

The short march to Mount Weather seemed like an eternity to Lexa. She walked ahead of her warriors through thick forest. Embraced by the cloak of night Commander let her guard down for a few moments. Insecurities suddenly reached the surface of Lexa's mind making it almost impossible to breathe.

 _"Life of Commander is life without love."_ echoed in her mind.

**/////////**

First feelings that ran through Commander’s body when she saw Clarke standing in front of the entrance to Mount Weather were mixed.

Slight tingling in the pit of her stomach, urge to call out Clarke’s name, cry it out as the last prayer before death, self-hate coming from the conflicting emotions but most of all Lexa wished for the two of them to never become the leaders they were. For the first in her life she wanted everything to be normal.

Tight grip on her sword brought Lexa back to reality where nothing was easy, no one was safe and she had no right for such feelings.

Her mask fell into its place and suddenly there were no emotions. Nothing distracting her from their common goal.

She was as cold as ice.

As distant as the furthest of seas.  

**/////////**

Arranging the whole attack took them less than twenty minutes.

When they reached the control room there already were injuries, deaths and many bodies of people from the Mountain marked by radiation burns.

Lexa was walking by Clarke’s side all the time. She had to fight the urge to grab the younger girl’s hand every time she noticed Clarke’s body tense with look at dead _Trikru, Skaikru_ or someone from the Mountain. The look in her eyes reminded Commander too much of herself after the first battle she ever had.

**/////////**

 “ _They backed us into a corner.”_ Lexa realized with the look at Abby Griffin who was lying on the table, tied up and conscious for the bone marrow extraction.

Clarke’s face seemed almost unreadable, although those blue eyes betrayed her.

There was desperation.

Suppressed tears.

Fear.

Panic.

And rage. So much rage.

The words escaping Clarke’s throat slipped around Commander’s ears almost unnoticed. However, the hand gently placed on top of the lever, which could cause the irradiation of whole complex, did not.

Suddenly Clarke turned her gaze at Lexa. There was none of those previous feelings, just sadness.

 _“I don’t want to do this.”_ begged the girl using only her eyes.

Commander offered her companion a slight nod.

_I know._

Lexa didn’t even realized that she moved her hand over Clarke’s and rested it atop of the lever as well. With one last look at the monitor, they pulled as if those two hands belonged to one person.

For few seconds there was just silence, nothing happened.

Out of nowhere sounded loud crack. And another one. And another.

Alarms went off.

They watched the Mountainmen die in unimaginable pains, one by one, with their fingers still lingering on the lever and eyes glued to the monitors.

**/////////**

It was two months after the events inside the Mountain and Lexa had spent almost every night sitting by the campfire, keeping watch. She hadn’t slept properly for a long time. Every time she tried to close her eyes images of Costia, dead Mountainmen or dead _Trikru_ flooded her mind.

On the worst days she fell asleep and woke up with a nightmare, usually involving Clarke.

Clarke with burns from radiation.

Clarke tied to a tree and pierced with Lexa’s own sword.

Clarke killed during bone marrow extraction.

Commander got used to her sleep being haunted by faces of everyone she killed, even to the nightmares about Costia which no longer terrified her as much as they did before.

_Love is weakness._

_“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving.”_ echoed Clarke’s voice in her mind and it made Lexa shiver. She felt like someone sucked out all the air inside her lungs making her desperately gasp for oxygen.

All the defenses Commander carefully built up around her heart suddenly fell and she felt like that sixteen years old girl who had to walk around battlefield, who fought the tears threatening to be spilled, who had to deal with nightmares full of faces of dead warriors.

There were times like these when Lexa missed that girl. Because if she was still like that she would steal a horse and head to Arkadia in a furious gallop, only to make sure the one person who helped her feel again was okay.

However, she’s not that girl anymore.

She can’t just run away from her people. Even if in that exact moment she’d give anything for the opportunity.


	3. Watch The Only Way Out Disappear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating, guys! I've been having some pretty rough time but as one of my friends says: "What's bad for my heart is good for my art." So here it is...
> 
> During this chapter there are several switches in POV, just wanted to warn you.
> 
> Please - send comments and tell me what you think :)

Kane left, they were out of the Ark, and air was as fresh as ever…  

So why did she feel like suffocating?

Why was it suddenly so hard to breathe?

Why the only thing on her mind was that she wanted to run away?

Away from those green eyes which seemed to understand every emotion Clarke had been trying to decrypt for so many months. Away from the heartbeat which seemed to go in perfect sync with her own just mere minutes ago. Away from those strong hands which palms once laid atop of her own and pushed down the lever.

And away she ran.

Basically storming through the gate and into the forest, she could hear Commander’s distant screams coming from the camp.

_Please, just leave me alone, Lexa…_

Her legs moved, heart beating fast, lungs taking in deep ragged breaths.

It felt natural.

Primal.

But most of all – it made sense. After so long, running felt like the only thing that made sense.

There were just the trees, grass, roots…

Sky…

So blue, so innocent…

Space... the place where she was born.

How could something so simple, beautiful, clean… How could such a pure place as space and stars create someone as rotten inside as them?

When did they start killing people without remorse? When did being a murderer become normal? When did the blood on their hands stop worrying them?

Suddenly, Clarke was no longer running. She could feel her back hitting a nearby tree and slowly sliding down with spine pressed firmly against its trunk. There were tears streaming down her face, so bitter, full of emotions she had suppressed long time ago, but still silent.

The weight of three hundred deaths, which presence still lingered among the walls of complex under Mountain, came crashing on Clarke’s shoulders.

The guilt.

Desperation.

Self-hate.

It all washed over her mind at once and left Clarke trembling under never-ending waves of sobs, screams, and ragged breaths leading only to another screams.

_Why did you do it? Why did you do it, Clarke?! They didn’t have to die…_

**/////////////**

There was a slight panic that suddenly crept its way into Clarke’s baby blues. Slight panic that seemed to grow with every millisecond spend in Lexa’s presence. Escalating to the point when all that the Commander managed to notice was a flash of blonde hair half way through the camp.

Lexa’s reaction was mechanical, subconscious. In one fluent move she set off in a furious sprint behind the younger woman, but before she reached the heavy metal gate, Skaikru soldiers had already closed it just mere seconds after Clarke stormed between the walls.

“Open the gates!” Commander shouted while narrowing her eyes at a nearby soldier.

She only received a nod in the direction of Ark.

“Soldier, open the gates! I’ll bring her back,”

All it took for the man to back off and start opening the gate was the small step Lexa took in his direction. As soon as gap, big enough for her to exit the camp, appeared she headed for the forest in the same furious pace as she did before.

Sun danced over Lexa’s eyelids for a few seconds before she sank deep into the shadows of forest. Just as her eyes got used to the dim light among trees, the Commander heard a scream. And then another. And another. However, these were no war screams. There was no fear, no anger hidden under the cried out syllables, only despair, self-hate, and sadness. So much sadness.

It made Lexa stop dead in her tracks as she listened to that heart-wrenching sound twirl around the tree trunks and her own body. Taking one careful step in the direction from which came the shriek she did her best to not let out scream as well.

Almost against her own will Lexa headed in the direction of the screams. After a few minutes of slow walk she noticed small pile of clothes scrounged up between the roots of one of the trees. Clarke’s ripped trousers and jacket were easily recognizable against dark bark, not mentioning her blonde locks which seemed to create natural barrier between the outer world and Clarke’s small universe filled with tears and screaming.

The first impulse for the Commander was to move forward, put her arms around the blonde, and calm the girl down. But it wasn’t her place to do so. It had never been her place, not even when she kissed Clarke months ago. And that thought hurt. So much that Lexa wasn’t sure if she could contain her own despair. She quickly made her way to the other side of the tree Clarke was leaning on and left her body to slide down inch by inch until she could feel all her weight slightly bury in the thick layer of leaves on the ground.

_Calm down, Clarke. I’m here with you, you’re not alone._

Lexa left her head bump slightly against the tree’s trunk, letting out a small huff of air which seemed to be held inside her lungs since she sprinted out of the Skaikru camp. Slowly the sobs coming from behind her back lessened to the point when there was nothing but their common breathing and the sounds of the forest.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it,” Commander’s voice cut through the silence. It was no more but a whisper which could be easily mistaken for another rustle of the leaves. For a second Lexa thought that Clarke truly hadn’t heard her but then she felt slight shuffling behind her back and a slight thump of Clarke’s head against the rough bark mirroring her own position.

However, Clarke didn’t reply so they just said there in silence.

It took ten seconds for them to sync their breathing.

Another ten seconds and Lexa would swear she could feel the blonde’s heart beating in the same shallow, uneven frequency as her own.

**/////////////**

Clarke could feel her presence since the very first second she stopped dead in her tracks between two trees, just a few metres away from where Clarke was trying to not a fall apart while sitting on the ground and failed miserably.

When she heard Lexa take the first step, it took all her willpower to not run away again. She didn’t want to look at the Commander and almost as Lexa could read her mind, she slowly sat on the other side of the trunk, leaned on it and stayed quiet.

As her breathing evened out she truly started embracing the forest itself. There was a time when she’d spend all her time among the trees, she would know every sound and recognize anything that was sticking out but not anymore. Clarke got more used to the never-ending and feverish pounding of her heart than to the natural sounds of forest which seemed so distant for the last few months mostly because of the Arcadia’s walls. And for a few seconds she actually felt like that girl who never killed anyone, who didn’t have blood on her hands, who used to wander around their old camp in her free time.

Suddenly there was something more to the sounds of forest.

A voice.

Voice which sounded raspy, soar, deep like an ocean.

Voice which almost disappeared because of the way it clearly belonged to the woods, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it,”

There was no need to reply, or at least Clarke felt that way. So she just sat there, back pressed firmly against the trunk, repeating Lexa’s words in her mind again and again, to the point when it merged with the sounds of the forest and created some kind of a calming music. It had no rhythm, no melody, although the meaning was present in every slight noise.

Easing into the numbness brought to her insides by the natural music, Clarke’s head came to rest gently on the bark. Her focus attached to uneven beating of Lexa’s heart, which she somehow managed to feel in her own veins, and even though it may had seemed impossible, Clarke had, for the first time in so many months, let her guard down.

Maybe this was all she needed.

The silence.

The woods.

Maybe she just needed a moment when nothing would matter.

Moment when all she had to do to calm down was focus on the heartbeat or breathing which belonged to the person sitting on the other side of the tree.

But then she would look down on her hands and see those already dried blood stains.

She would look up and see the face of every person who died.

She would feel her heartbeat swiftly rising.

Her breathing becoming ragged as panic started flooding her system.

And then there would be a voice. Telling her that its owner sees the faces as well, that he or she knows the horrors their faces can bring.

For a moment Clarke wants to die, she actually takes her gun and shoves it inside her mouth.

The barrel is cold against her tongue and lips, her hands are shaking, tears streaming down her cheeks.

_C’mon, do it! Stop being a coward, Clarke!_

When she pulls the trigger, there’s a small flash of hope inside her stomach as she feels the gun slightly press against her palm, which immediately disappears after a light click coming from the magazine.

It’s empty.

And she’s still alive.


End file.
